The Gun Shot
“Bang!” the crowd starts to disperse, Nick is among the crowd but he didn’t make it. A bullet goes through his right shoulder; he is in a way of a fleeing robber who is trying to make his escape. Nick is lying motionless on the ground waiting for an ambulance.
Jack’s annoying sister
Peace will never be the word Jack believes while his at home. The exams are just around the corner but Jack can never study peacefully at home just like his other friends because he got a younger sister who makes so much noise. That’s why Jack chooses to study outside.
Sunset
It’s always a lovely sight while watching the sun set. Those memories will never be forgotten. This time, Jim is sitting alone by the beach. The sound of the sea, wind and birds all filled with emotions as Jim recalls the days he spend the time together with his wife.
Death must be easy because life is hard
The word “Death” came across Alan’s mind a couple of times. Life wasn’t easy for him at all, sometimes he wish he could end everything just by death. Work stress causes him to have such thoughts. But he keeps reminding himself that, when there is faith, there is no fear.
When the rich tries to be the poor
“Hey! Scram you dirty old beggar”. That’s what the shopkeeper told Mr. Branson the mayor in the town. Beginning a beggar for one day isn’t easy at all. For once, Mr. Branson sees discrimination; he vows to create a new environment, a place where the rich and poor live together.
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author: Kelvin
What’s it’s about: a guy who has a hard time managing work and life. He thinks of suicide an ‘easier’ option to end everything, but he continues to live on motivating himself by saying when there is faith there is no fear
What works: Double meaning
Room for improvement: open ending. No visual words.
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author: Kelvin
What it’s about: A guy thinks about death
What works: You keep the story small and focused. It helps.
Room for improvement: There’s no story in here. It doesn’t give the audience anything to visualize or anything for the character to do. The title is also too good. It encapsulates everything which follows so well that everything which comes after the title feels unnecessary. (AS YOU CAN SEE BY THIS COMMENT, I HAD NOT THOUGHT CLEARLY ABOUT THE IMPACT OF THE FINAL SENTENCE.)
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author: Kelvin
What it’s about: How Alan tries to encourage himself to live on, despite of his stressful life.
What works: The meaning he is trying to portray gets into the readers.
Room for improvement: Maybe the ending should have more relationship with the title of the story??
By: yingying
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author:Kelvin
What it’s about: This guy comtemplating suicide because of his hard life but stopped because of his faith.
What works: I like the last line.
Room for improvement: The word death is overused. And there could have an elaboration on why or what his work is about. The sentence structure was a bit off, which is relatively misleading and confusing to the reader.
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author:Kelvin
What it’s about: A stressed out man, contemplating about killing himself but refrains himself.
What works: We can easily comprehend what the story is about- it gets straight to the point, no beating around the bush. Nice twist at the ending as it felt as if he was going to commit himself- but he did not.
Room for improvement: I feel that there was not much content (perhaps it is because there are no visual words being used) – it was just thoughts of a man. Some sentences should be improved as the phrasing just does not seem very proper. Ending does not seem clear-what faith? What fear?
Title: Death must be easy
Author: Kelvin
What it’s about: Alan’s life is stressful and suicide seems to an easy way out. Yet, he holds back on attempting to hurt his life by reminding himself that so long he carries great faith, there should be no fear.
What works: The way it shows the temptation of ending his life yet falls back onto faith to keep him alive.
Room for improvement: Can’t see what is really going on or what is happening, only knowing that Alan sees dying an escape route from work. Would like to read what he sees.
he is in a way of a fleeing robber who is trying to make his escape
Jack can never study peacefully at home just like his other friends because he got a younger sister who makes so much noise
Jim recalls the days he spend the time together with his wife.
Life wasn’t easy for him at all,
These are examples of sentences that tell rather than show. None of them inspire a sense of visual energy. Hopefully, pointing them out will help you recognize them in your future assignments. This way we can begin to make your writing more visual.
Title: death must be easy because life is hard
Author: Kelvin
What’s it about: Alan feels that life is tough, but he continues to remind himself to live.
What works? I really liked your title. Simple story.
Room for improvement: it’s a bit contradictory and a little bit confusing.
Title: Death must be easy because life is hard
Author: Kelvin
What’s it’s about: Alan keeps on thinking about death and wish to die. But he consoles him self.
What works: Managed to complete the story. Alan thinks that death is the only way to be relieve. But the story ended by consoling himself.
Room for improvement: No visual words mentioned in it. Only thoughts were emphasized.